Discipline: Teaching Children Appropriate Behavior

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Discipline, from the Latin "to instruct", is one of the most important and challenging tasks we have as parents. It involves much more than punishing inappropriate behaviors. Starting in infancy, discipline involves teaching children appropriate conduct and behaviors while instilling in them confidence and self-esteem. Its basis is a relationship with your child of unconditional love and trust.

It is as important to praise or reward positive behaviors as it is to punish negative behaviors. "Catch" your child being good. Be a good role model. Your child has to learn what is appropriate as well as what is not.

Consistency in parenting is very important. Consistency occurs at many levels-in daily schedules, between parents, in limit setting, and over time. Rules should be firm and clear, as should the repercussions for violating them. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Offering children simple choices during the day can be useful. You can start doing this with children as young as toddlers. Choices give a child a sense of control. Avoid yes/no questions, unless you don’t care what the answer is.

Temper tantrums are very common. Sometimes tantrums can be avoided by distracting the child. If your child does have a tantrum, it is best to ignore it as long as he is physically in a safe place. Let your child learn to gain control over his own emotions. Praise him afterward for doing so, but do not give in to the reason for the tantrum.

Often a child has many behaviors you would like to change. Do not try to change all of them at one time. Prioritize the behaviors that you would like to change. Addressing behaviors that threaten your child's safety is usually going to be your first priority. Avoid having to say "no" all day and remember to be consistent.

Sometimes simply ignoring a behavior will lead to its extinction. Changing the environment, for example by moving an object that you don't want your child to touch or play with, is a simple maneuver that can stop a behavior.

There are several specific strategies for extinguishing inappropriate behaviors. It is important in young children to employ these immediately after the unwanted behavior. Using the "count to three" technique or some other warning may stop a behavior without needing to go further.

"Time out" is one of the most commonly used strategies. This can be used in children as young as one year of age. Select a place in your home where you want to place your child. There is no one correct place. The duration of the time out should be one minute per year of age. Gently hold the child in time out if necessary. Praise the child afterward for observing the time out, but do not give in to the original behavior.

Withdrawing privileges is another discipline strategy. Taking away a toy, dessert or the right to watch a TV show or play a game can be an appropriate response to certain behaviors.

The law of "natural consequences" can be employed for some behaviors. If your child throws food on the floor, the meal can be over. If he throws or misuses a toy, the toy can be taken away. If he does not want to put his coat on, let him feel how cold it is outside without the coat.

Logical consequences can also be used. If your child hits another child on the playground, take him home. If he won't pick up his toys, throw them away (or make them unavailable for a time). If he breaks a toy by playing with it inappropriately, tell him it can't be fixed.

One strategy that we never recommend is spanking your child. Studies have shown that spanking can lead to more aggressive and destructive behaviors by a child.

No strategy works for every behavior or every child. What works this week may not work next week. Some children need to be disciplined once to stop a behavior, some need to be told fifty times. In determining what will work, it helps to know your child and which strategy will have an effect on him. Be patient. And again, don’t forget to "catch" him being good. Praise the good behaviors.

If you have concerns that your child is demonstrating behaviors that are not normal for his age or if your child is not responding to these disciplinary strategies, consult your pediatrician.